For those that heard of this trip from a few years ago (2000), but didn’t dare go near it, I give you the tale of Tubby traveling with a large quantity of children. To keep things simple, the chart (below) shows the various participants.

The Colonel's Wife, obviously, is married to the Colonel, a man of great wisdom and respectability; he's not present for the trip. The Colonel's Wife and the Colonel have begat OB, Christi, and Robin. OB is dating a somewhat white trash girlfriend whose mustache is nearly as prominent as Tubby's. She is also quite tall (5'10" or so) and is oblivious to the reality that the Charlie's Angels' feathered hair went out of style over 20 years ago. OB spawned two girls, Oz-Land and Sleepy, by his ill-fated first marriage who the original FUW (fat ugly whore) now living in Tex-ass. Christi is the mother of three boys, whom we'll refer to simply as ages 10, 6, and 2. Finally, there's Robin, of whom we will not speak ill... but for whom ill has no cause to be spoken. And, Tubby, of course.

 Day 1 - Wednesday 

We were set to depart at 8:30am from Robin's house, but due to a misunderstanding on our part, apparently CW intended to leave at 8:00 instead. Our bad. Sadly, though, Robin and Tubby had this discussion at 7:20am, and at that point, it wasn't going to happen. They took their respective showers and such things (including tending to things that aren't necessary to chronicle), and they gathered up for a trip to Target for snacks, and perhaps to McDonalds for some breakfast thing. (Tubby's become quite addicted to the #2 with an orange juice; don't ask why.) After a purchase of $28.16 worth of snacks, for which the clerk (Andrea) was clearly bored to accept their payment via American Express, they were off. It was obvious she didn't know who Robin's father is. Next, McDonalds. As is our tradition, Tubby alleviated the restaurant of a handful of Equal packets, as well as the #2 we were just discussing. They then hit the freeway right around, well, 8:45am. Not bad, all things considering.

Everyone is armed with cell phones -- it's the 2000s. Robin and Christi have Nextel phones, which have the walkie-talkie option for Northern California service (north of the Grapevine). Robin calls ahead for status; the group has just arrived at the Apricot Hut or some such thing, where the service makes your local Denny's seem like elegant dining... but CW collects Beanies, and since the Hut sells Beanies, it's a landmark stop. Being both conscious of the law and prudent of safety, Robin and Tubby proceed down to the location at the posted speed limit, and arrive there about 10am, just as they were finishing up and getting ready to head back onto the freeway.

It was then that we first meet Oz-Land and Sleepy, and we're reacquainted with the rest of the crowd. We opt to ignore White Trash Girl, but it seemed only fair, as she was largely indifferent to our existence as well. We had a harder time ignoring her little butterball of a son, a jolly lad whom Tubby had initially assumed was 6 or 7 because of his girth. Foolish of him to draw such conclusions based solely on physical characteristics; he's only 4, but doesn't trouble his mother with leftovers.

Both 10, 6, and 2 want to go with Robin in her car, but she proclaims only one child shall have the divine honor, and as birthright of being the youngest herself, she selects 2. They do the car seat swap and strap-in, and soon 2 is happy centered in the back seat of Robin's new kick-ass Explorer. They're off, and out of deference to her kick-ass-ness, Christi passes the lead over to Robin. OB and White Trash apparently had a hard time with the take-off, and everyone was long gone before their steel-belted radials kissed the asphalt of I-5. It was all for the best, really.

Christi had also medicated 2 before we departed, and within minutes of his secure strapping in, he was out cold. Excellent. The trip proceeded without further hindrance for some time, until the reality of driving a Ford set in, and they had to stop for gas. Immediately. The Chevron station our caravan arrived at was open -- unless you wanted gas. It was apparently the best time for them to be servicing all 12 pumps, and the entire area was surrounded by yellow tape. Since the gas cards are only for Chevron and Shell, and there's no Shell, they ended up having to compromise on a second-rate Arco with a third-rate mini-mart. OB and White Trash pull in soon afterward and fill their tank, which without irony, is also a Ford vehicle. (But it's a fully loaded out Taurus, so don't dare call it a station wagon.)

Sufficiently gassed up, with the children laden with snacks and other trinkets from near and far (although, my friends, they're all the same trinkets), they set off again. By some divine catastrophe, OB and White Trash are again lagging pitifully behind, but again, few pay the matter much mind. We proceed up and over the Grapevine, at one point OB calling Christi, and Christi calling Robin, to warn of a fast-approaching CHP car. We never saw the Chippy. Our only guess is that OB was so far behind that the Chippy either stopped someone else, never existed, or was abducted by Elvis.

The arrival in Anaheim, and they all split up to our respective hotels. OB, White Trash, Ka-Ka, Oz-land and Sleepy are bunked into one room; CW, Christi, 10, 6, and 2 are in a second at the Pacific something Hotel. Robin and Tubby check into a crappy little place down the street that's far friendlier on the pocketbook. And, as they soon find out, the lying bastards don't really have pay-per-view movies. So, they're in the car and back to visit the brood at the Pacific something Hotel.

The rooms are nice. Of course, Robin and Tubby hear the kids as soon as we get off the elevator, but that's to be expected. Honestly, how often do you find children with silencers installed? They gather up their thoughts, things, and stuff, and head down for the tram. We have everyone present except for White Trash, and no one really missed her much. The first order of business was the tram ride, which went off without a hitch. Tickets; everyone had their tickets from the hotel except Robin and Tubby, so we hit the ticket booths while the others found dinner. We caught up with them at the Plaza Inn, as they were nibbling on their nuggets and such. Tubby found that the food fare was not entirely to his liking (surprise, huh), so a dash to the Tomorrowland Terrace found him a cheeseburger and greasy fries; the good people at the Terrace were also gracious to lighten his load by $8 for their effort.

Tubby returned to find half the kids had grown anxious and were on their way to a ride with OB and Christi, leaving Robin, CW, and the girls at the tables. Oz-land was demonstrating her watiressing skills, but soon after decided she'd rather be a school teacher when she grew up. Oz, however, was good enough to refill all the kids' drinks with Sprite, and having established the kids were not returning, made refilling Tubby's own cup of Sprite easy work. CW rounded up everyone except Robin, Oz and Tubby to join the ride thingy, and as Tubby was finishing (an eternity in and of itself), Robin was telling Oz we're going on a ride (Autopia, the cars). Oz insisted she wasn't, because she just ate, and maintained this story with the conviction of Charlie Brown waiting for the Great Pumpkin. Until, Robin pointed out, the ride is the cars, not the fast-moving overhead ride that this girl from the Lone Star State was confused by (fast moving cart, little car, who knew?). So, we proceeded further without resistance, which as I'd heard somewhere, was futile.

We arrive at Autopia and cut up in line to where CW was holding a place. Timmy, the turnstile keeper, made me discard my Sprite, which displeased me a little, but considering Tubby had liberated the libations from the children, Tubby got over it quickly. The line moved at a steady clip, although there were already signs of children requiring someone to carry them. Tubby briefly ended up with 6, although his mother directed him to walk,thereby ending the burden. They then went through the ride successfully, although the initial trip was a bit labored. Oz was in the lead car, and hadn't entirely mastered the pedal that made the car go. A rather chubby employee eventually dropped his ample frame into her car, and we were back off at a normal pace. From there, we finished, and made our way elsewhere. Most of the folks (all but CW and 2) land on the Matterhorn. During the wait in line, White Trash calls OB to meet her at the entrance, so she can join us. There is general argument and tension, the last of which is OB being told (ordered?) to meet her at the gate, period. Unhappiness ensues, but as Tubby's not related, he continue to look around at the scantly clad girl people, with each glance confirming his suspicion that God is a man, and that He was smiling upon Tubby, given the obvious relationship between revealing clothing and hot days (temperatures hit 100 degrees that day).

They finish the ride (of which Tubby rode solo, I'm told) and disembark. A short wander later, and everyone was staging for the 8:15pm parade; it was 7pm. CW had staked out a spot, and Robin and the brood joined her, although the idea of having them sit for 75 minutes was about as likely to be a good idea as was the invention of clear cola. Robin takes all the children on the Star Tours trip, and Christi takes 2 in his stroller for, well, a stroll. CW and Tubby maintain positions on the curb. They chat idly about nothing in particular, and in the absence of everyone, a Disneyland guy comes by and asks the people next to them to join in the parade (it's the 45 anniversary this year, so each parade, 45 guests are asked to be a part of the parade). Christi comes back with 2, and a bucket of popcorn and a Sprite for the lad. Christi takes up a position on the far end of our now reserved grid, and 2 is sort of between everyone in an adult, triangular shape. Tubby's function becomes little more than exchanging idle chit-chat, and opening and replacing the lid on 2's Sprite. CW purchases 2 a little light toy thing, which he delights in turning on and off, and dropping. For whatever reason, it comes to pass that Tubby realizes he's rather fond of the lad known as 2. Go figure.

Robin returns with the rug rats, who are not ready to sit, but adjust to the reality that it's going to happen. OB returns to the group with White Trash in tow, and she immediately begins to give Ka-Ka directions as though he were lost without her. The parade is now imminent, and the light toy dude comes by a second time; CW purchases two more, although the distribution is ambiguous. 6 ends up with one, and Ka-Ka the other. Here, things get fuzzy, but since it's so petty, no one much cared. Another child wanted the light-toy, and White Trash seemed to interpret this to mean her little tub 'o lard son wasn't the intended recipient, about the same time Christi said she'd go buy one more. As soon as Christi said this, White Trash proclaimed that she would do it, and pursued the light toy guy like he was the last man on earth. She proudly came back with yet another one of those over-priced blinky deals.

As the parade began, they all shuffled a bit to get the little kids in the front, and the grown-ups in the back. Ka-Ka was asked if he wanted to sit in front, and he responded enthusiastically. This apparently is a crime, and the Lord was watching. During the parade, White Trash kept whining -- quietly -- that "we" were keeping her from her son, and she had to tell him who "these people" were, since he's not familiar with Disney characters, apparently. (Which Tubby found hard to believe; even a Russian child probably knows who Mickey Mouse is). The only time Tubby heard her identify anyone was the 7 Dwarfs, as we're thinking, "Good one, White Trash -- identify those 8-foot-tall plastic shelled people as 'dwarfs'. That'll make it all more clear."

The parade ends, and White Trash storms off with Ka-Ka. OB chases after her, apparently eager to beg forgiveness for something he never did. The rest of us elect to make a plan, which turns out to be everyone (CW and Christi, plus all the kids) are returning to the hotel. Robin and Tubby wander the park for a bit longer, but the heat and reality that we still have two more days causes he to just head back to their hotel. Some other stuff, end Day 1.

 Day 2 - Thursday 

They get up around 9am, because, having previously had this conversation about when she wanted to wake up, Robin said "whatever." No one set the alarm, since Tubby felt "whatever" was pretty clear. CW and the entire brood (minus White Trash and Robin and Tubby, of course) hit the part at 6:30am for the early admission. (In chatting with Robin afterwards, Tubby learns "whatever" is apparently universally understood to be 6:37am. The story behind this 6:37am is that, once upon a time on a past trip, CW instructed someone -- the original FUW -- to call and request a wake-up call. FUW asked when, and CW told her, I don't know, 6:30, 7. She interpreted this not to be a range between 6:30am and 7am, but rather, the literal time of 6:37am.) Robin and Tubby joined the group and hit Splash Mountain, and then waited as Oz-Land did it with Christi -- child pass, since 2 is in a stroller. The group then began heading over for breakfast at the Carnation restaurant by the time Robin and Tubby arrived.

Their group stand in line, and eventually get into the place; having a party of 11 is a bit taxing on the place, it seems. Robin and Tubby are the bookends on one of the two adjacent (but not connected) tables, and our table is surrounded by children Ka-Ka, 6, and Sleepy. The other table houses CW, Christi, OB (who's apparently been quite ill since last night), 10, 2, and Oz-Land. Bill comes to take our order, and Robin indicates we're all together, and verifies Bill is sure that the bill goes to CW, not to us. We generally order the Mickey Mouse waffle, which surprisingly enough, that little rat has enough nooks and crannies in his head to hold the syrup. Tubby manage to consume his waffle quickly, and after applying the 5-minute rule of children's meals, began grazing off the kids' plates after they'd ceased to shown an interest. And, to his good fortune, they'd all copied him and ordered Sprites as well. Tubby was again up to my eyeballs in Sprite.

During this meal, OB twice left the table to go to the restroom to be sick. We were torn between believing his pain (given the illness story last night), and between his flair for the dramatic. Either way, he looked like hell. We get up to leave, and end up out on Main Street USA when Robin comments to Ka-Ka, "Are you going to the movies, because I see you picking your seat." This, of course, because he keeps grabbing himself. Robin then looks up, and comments that something smells like poop, and moments later, the boy holds up his right hand at arms length, and says, loud and clear "Ka-Ka!". OB looks down at boy, turns to Robin, and asks if Ka-Ka had his hand down his pants; she said no, it's apparently oozed to the outside. OB mumbles something that expresses great displeasure, and says they have to go back to the room. CW, being the wise matriarch of the group, points out he still has to clean up the ka-ka on Ka-Ka before they go anywhere. Being well-versed at where the bathrooms are, OB and Ka-Ka head in.

A minute or two later, Robin carries with her the message from CW to find out if a new pair of shorts would be useful. Tubby head into the bathroom with my mission, but the hideous sounds of dry heaves and of a little boy pleading with OB to stop vomiting cause him to make the command decision that if ka-ka is present externally of the shorts, new shorts are in order. Tubby relays the tale to Robin, and the purchase is made. The shorts are eventually installed, and OB and Ka-Ka leave the park. This is the last time we see either of them all day; White Trash, whose sciatica was acting up at the parade, never leaves the room on Day 2, except to smoke.

We do the various rides, trying to keep all relatively quiet and happy, with mixed results. 6 is a whiny little fellow, and needs to have everything, and by the way, he needs it now. Sleepy, on the other hand, apparently annoys the crap out of CW, and without most of us noticing (or Tubby, anyway), ends up with a lot of trinkets and other Disney-brand crap. She's also masterful in being the slowest of the brood. We leave the park for a few hours for naps and such, and Robin and Tubby venture down to Target, in search for a laptop power cord, since he'd left his at the office. No luck. There was talk about Radio Shack, but a nap was more appealing. They dozed and such, and hit the hotel to meet up for part two of this evening.

Robin and Tubby reached the park, did the Jungle Cruise, and Tubby abused 10. (The lad kept poking his amble, soft tummy, and had been ordered to cease and desist, but 10 failed to comply. A rear arm bar was applied and caused the lad to become emotionally upset. Tubby had to apologize -- Robin made him -- but 10 still felt like breaking Tubby's neck, in 10's words. (The story was retold to CW and Christi, and neither seemed overly angry about it; all the same, no mention would be made to the Bean Boy, 10's father and Christi's husband.) The rest of the evening was fraught with the feeling of imminent peril toward that body area between shoulders and head.) They all dined this evening on the terrace of New Orleans, overlooking Tom Sawyer island, where rumor held they'd be seeing Fantasmic! (Robin hates Fantasmic!). Everyone sat there from about 5:30pm on, except when Robin and Tubby took leave to find a chicken sandwich, which forced us to proceed all the way back to Tomorrowland, again.

6 was pissy yet again (or still), and demanded Jell-O, but CW being a goodin', went and got it for him at the Blue Bayou (I don't know how to spell it; sorry). He had 2-3 bites and lost interest. Tubby was realizing that I'm going to eat pretty well, just getting kid leftovers. We know they don't like vegetables anyway, and add into it lots of syrup and snacky foods... Tubby was in heaven.) The show starts, although there is still a degree of whinyness amongst the wee ones; the sitting is not pleasing to them. CW and Christi bring hot chocolate, but few take an interest. Before it's completely cold (but is nicely tepid), Tubby again scores on uneaten children food, and get my hands on three of the chocolate beverages. Soon after the end of Fantasmic!, we turn slightly to the east to see the nightly 45th anniversary fireworks. Oooh, they're delightful, magical, the stuff dreams are made of. Then, the end.

 Day 3 - Friday 

Having since learned that "whatever" means get your ass out of bed early, the alarm went off much earlier today, and lo and behold, they arrived at the park within minutes after CW, Christi, and all the kids (minus Ka-Ka, of course) were inside. Everyone met up on Main Street or something, did some stuff, and hit Tomorrowland Terrace for breakfast; Tubby ended up with the traditional bacon and eggs, but most of the kids ordered french toast. And didn't eat it, but in keeping with my role on this trip, Tubby was more than happy to help out. Plus, they left over some bacon, of which he's particular fond.

Some other stuff has been forgotten but the group split up on the Storybook boat ride in which you ride through the whale. The girls (Oz and Sleepy) being particularly cowardly, didn't want to ride into a whale, and went hat shopping with Robin. Upon the return to land, CW asked Robin if she got a hat for Ka-Ka; no, she didn't. Robin, Oz, and Tubby got the additional hat, plus a Grumpy hat/wig, and were off to hit Small World; the other part of the group was still a bit ahead of the Hat Purchase Team by a few boatloads. (By the by, the Small World chick, Christine, was sort of cute, I was told; not super-model cute, but she wouldn't cause you to frown, either.) Cleverly, the toy store is on the way out of Small World, so we caught up when every child had to have a toy (including both the whiny 6 and Sleepy, who was quickly getting more crap than her return flight to Texas would likely permit). Toon Town during the wee hours of early admission. Having successfully cleared the Toon Town requirements without a hitch, we hobbled back to Tom Sawyer Island, and make that trip.

At this point, everyone were relatively okay. Tubby got my candy, and there were 4 adults for 5 kids. Not bad, really. CW and Christi shared Sleepy, 2 and 6, and Robin and I had 10 and Oz. The kids were told to pick one of us to buddy up with, and surprisingly, Oz, a relatively complete stranger, chose Tubby over Robin; no one can explain it; she didn't even know he had the candy yet. They did the potty stop, and headed over to the rocks to tunnel though. To complete the cliche, Tubby offered Oz (the little girl) some candy, for which she accepted. The four of them headed over to the rocks, got separated, regroups, separated, etc., etc., several times more, until they reached the fort. The rest of the gang caught up, and the adult type people eventually managed to corral all the kids. (But, not before 2 got to shoot one of the guns, and Robin took a picture. She was kind enough to cut Tubby out of the frame, since he was sure Christi would not necessarily be excited at the photo of her 2-year-old shooting a gun with Tubby's help). The group headed back to the boats.

Oz wanted to show Sleepy the treasure in one of the tunnels, so they were off, and Tubby tagged along. The rest of the group didn't follow as well, so there was apparently some angst on their part; strangely, though, he was fine... he knew where he was. Oz and Sleepy argued a bit about if the fretful Sleepy would go see the treasure, but at long last, she chickened out. Et cetera, et cetera, the gang is back on the raft and soon back on solid ground. Another regrouping, and again, and everyone rides Thunder Mountain, except for CW and 2. Then, off to the whatchamacallit paddle boat thing. They wait for it, wait for it, and they're boarding. Robin tells 2 he needs to be carried by Christi or her, and 2 looks at Tubby and gestures to be picked up. (We all knew the lad was clever.) We get up to the top deck, and 2's eventually ready to be let down. We leave the dock, chug around, and at one point, Robin tells him he can stand by the rail.

Again, 2 is a clever lad. He manages to wedge himself between the legs of two girls not yet legal, but for a 2-year-old, the tanned legs were too much to resist. Robin redirected him over a bit more, but Tubby had to commend the lad -- he's going to do well for himself someday. The group gets back to "shore", and opt to head over for the Animaniacs stage show. Sleepy is holding CWs hand, but at a pause, CW indicates Sleepy needs to be tended to by someone else, before she's killed. Robin and Tubby end up with Sleepy shortly after the Sword in the Stone show, and we're all heading over to the stage. Tubby ends up carrying 2, and Robin has Sleepy, which works out well enough until we get to the line. 2 wants to be carried by Christi, 6 wants to be carried by Robin, but Robin has Sleepy. Tubby ends up with Sleepy, and Robin is carrying 6. We all get seated, fortunately, on the last row of the bleachers, and CW graces us all with a pink lemonade. Sleepy, at this point, is out cold, with two fistfuls of shirt. She wakes up, but while watching the 25 minute show, isn't aware of the fact that, while trying to get her attention, he's covering her eyes. The belief is she's comatose to anything but the music.

The show ends, we load up Sleepy in the stroller and 2 on Robin's shoulders, and eventually Tubby's, and head back as it nears 1pm. CW feels done with this trip, and it's pool time. They hit the hotel, the little people change, and we head out to the pool. A pool boy (well, girl, but boy sounds better) brings the ordered snacks and beverages, forming a light lunch, and after some more water play, everyone is off to the hotel for naps. And, Robin and Tubby depart.

Neither take naps, but without a plan, the evening is chock full of misadventures. Radio Shack is finally visited, and get the cord for the laptop, although not needed at this point, since no one wants to do much with the laptop; 'tis a pity, but it's a cool cord. Robin and Tubby regroup at the other hotel around 8pm or so, and make the short walk to the Disneyland Hotel, next door. (Having been there, it's nice. I don't know if it's $200/night nice, but it's nice. It would be okay if it were a date trip, but not the whirlwind trips I tend to take.) The downside is, the naps were less than effective, and even with only the three boys, the whine level was nearing that of harvest time in the Napa Valley. They headed back to their room, and Robin and Tubby to theirs. Some other stuff involving the consumption of food on Tubby's part, and he's spent.

 Day 4 - Saturday 

Everyone came home. CW, Christi, 10, 6, and 2 left an hour before Robin and Tubby, and were never seen again during the trip. OB and White Trash were easily several hours behind us. No one complained.

Overall - A good trip. Tubby found he was terribly fond of 2 and Sleepy, only because through virtue of the others, 2 seemed very non-whiny for his age, and Sleepy tended to not make much noise that he'd noticed, and slept much of the time, which he thinks is just a treat. Tubby mentioned he would certainly go back with CW and company, and not just because, though some good luck as reward for carrying children, he had a relatively inexpensive time of meals. (Heck, he'd even go back with them if he had to pay for meals -- but he'd just want to watch 2; they can keep 6 and 10, for now).

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